Where am I? Asia?

Why do we still have Columbus Day as a national holiday??? I don’t know of anyone who is actually celebrating the things he “accomplished” now that we, as a nation, know what those things were. And also what he didn’t accomplish. Namely, actually landing on North America. But at least he helped us learn more about trade winds. 🙄 Thoughts?

P.S. He thought he landed in Asia btw…

I should be your PR manager

My sister works at one of those little coffee kiosks downtown and she was having a rough morning. I had the rare opportunity to go get a drink and decided to go see her.

She handed me my coffee and I said, “You guys should have a drink called Ariana.”

She looked at me with blurry eyes, puzzled. “Why?”

“Because then I could order an Ariana Grandé,” I snickered, “you could give it to customers with little miniature cat ears on top of it.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed, knowingly.

I’m so glad my sister and I are cut from the same thread (even though we have different dads). At least someone will always think I’m funny. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

4 AM

I’m not perfect. That’s not an excuse. Just fact. I need to be forgiven a lot, and not always by people that understand forgiveness.

My kids don’t quite get the enormity of both the offense and the requested forgiveness. They are resilient. Little bouncy balls of love that haven’t quite tasted the bitterness of life yet.

Last night my middle child kept waking. Each time I would lay back down after trying a different technique to help him get back to sleep. I would just about be asleep when he would start to whimper and cry.

“Mommy…”

Each time I went back in, I would lose a little bit more of my patience. He got more and more timid, with fresh, innocent hurt welling up in his eyes.

1 am, 2 am, 3 am, 4 am…in and out every 20 minutes. Then he comes in and wakes the baby. Now she is cooing and giggling in her bassinet as if to say “goodmorning mommy, is it time?”

No. Faaaaaaack no I haven’t even freaking gone to sleep yet! The enormity of that realization and what it means for me for that day hits me like a slap across my cheek.

Instead of trusting it will all work out fine, anxiety kicks in and I yell in my toddler’s tired face. “JUST FUCKING GO. TO. SLEEP!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?????”

His Trusting eyes narrow into disbelief. This is my mommy. The banisher of monsters, the singer of peace, the soother of growing limbs. Such anger in my eyes, glaring at him, the betrayal he feels is tangible in the darkened space between us.

My heart panicks and then sinks. I can’t take it back. It’s too late. It’s said. It’s done.

He’s my sensitive soul. The one that tells me he “wuvs me to da moon”. In that moment I feel like I’ve broken the close tie between us. Would he ever forgive me for being so hateful? Does he even know what it means to forgive?

He starts to sob and tremble. My son literally trembled in fear.

I start to cry as well. Feeling like a lost child trying to be the adult. I don’t always know what to say or what to do. If it will break them or raise them up.

I pull him to me. Praying he won’t push me away. He melts into my arms and I lay down with him on one side and the baby nursing on the other. He falls asleep in about 5 minutes and, miraculously, the baby as well. Finally, we rest.

In the morning I ask for forgiveness and he looks at me like nothing happened.

“Otay mommy it’s otay.”

I’m crying again. I don’t feel deserving of his trusting, unconditional love.

“Mommy don’t twy. I wuv you to da moon.”

I’m not making that up. That’s what he said to me.

To forgive like that. To let go. To just love. Without expectation. What a gift. It is one of the most powerful gifts we could ever GIVE and ever GET.

Is there someone who doesn’t deserve your forgiveness? There is surprising freedom in forgiving. In letting go of that debt. Let go and you will receive much more than you might think possible.

Inevitable

If I could ask someone a specific question about my future, would I want to hear what they had to say? If what they said was just how it was going to be no matter how hard I tried or what I did. Would I still try? Crystal Ball by John William Waterhouse 

Would I still make decisions to steer my life in a different direction, knowing that it was always going to be what was predicted? Would it be considered determination to try against all odds or mere stupidity, like a mouse on a running wheel. Getting nowhere fast.

But at least the mouse gets exercise. She gets stronger than the other mice that aren’t trying. I’d rather be trying and strong, though my goal be futile, than complaisant and weak, waiting for the inevitable. So I may know the shattering waves will always crash against me, but would it not be better to be able to dive into them instead of letting them smash me with their certainty?