My husband has been asking me for the past couple weeks what is wrong. “Are you mad at me?” No I’m not mad at him… Although some things that he does make me infuriated. Namely–waking me up 10 million times a night. My husband has insomnia, and although I know he suffers, it makes me suffer as well. I have 3 kids including a five-month-old daughter who wakes up 3 to 4 times a night to eat. Nursing her isn’t bad but between the two of them I haven’t been getting any sleep. When I don’t get sleep I get depressed and anxious. I didn’t think anything was wrong until this morning when my husband let me sleep in I felt a bit better and it made me realize that an old demon was visiting me.
I’m a glass half full kind of gal and I’m quite silly, but lately I have been feeling worthless, inadequate, disorganized, lazy, angry, and unattractive. *Cue my tears as I write this…admitting it is sometimes half the battle*
It all adds up to anxiety and depression and it stems from stress and lack of sleep. Lack of sleep being the number one culprit. I really wish that I was one of those people that didn’t need any sleep and yet can keep on trucking. I feel like a toddler who throws tantrums when they haven’t had their afternoon nap. Granted I can’t actually remember the last time I had an afternoon nap.
I feel like moments with my husband and children are slipping past me. I reach out to try and grab them and they just dissipate like smoke between my fingers. I want to have sex, I want to interact, I want to play, I want to teach, I want to love. But when I feel this way it’s like I’m floating above my body watching her go through the motions. I urge it to put forth more effort but she can’t hear me.
People call me and I look at my phone with disgust. They want to get together and I try my hardest to act excited. I AM excited… but this smog surrounding me, filling my brain makes me unable to feel.
Lucky for me I’ve been here before. I know I can get out of the smog. For me the answer is sleep, expressing the truth out loud, and looking to the Lord to remind me of my worth. Having other people and my husband tell me that I am not inadequate sometimes just isn’t enough. For me I have to dive into the word and remind myself that I am a daughter of the Almighty Lord. And He IS a good Father.
I realize in all of this chaos I have forgotten to look for him, I have put off talking to Him. I have watched Bachelor in paradise instead of drinking in His word. Ha! Why!?! It’s SOOOOO stupid and I think that’s why… We love to numb ourselves don’t we? Like a mind-tranquilizing breeze to blow away the chaos. The problem is, watching shows and other distractions only last so long.
I need a true peace, a joy that lasts and endures through times of unhappiness and relentless self-hate. For me it lies in the Lord. It’s gonna take time and my life still goes on but somewhere in my muddled, foggy mind, there is a little girl with a little candle and she’s smiling because she’s knows where to find a match.