A Series Of Failures

I feel like I’ve been tumbling down a spiral staircase that never ends. Like I’m trying to swim to save someone’s life but I can’t keep my head above the water.

I just got over a massive 2 day headache. My MIL and mother were so kind and helped me so much with the kids. I was in so much pain… I felt helpless. Like a child…. Having waves of panic attacks at 4 am because of the pain and no sleep and thinking about my responsibilities as a mother of three (with my husband gone for two weeks at a time for work). A child taking care of children.

Any normal person would call in to work sick, pull the shades, pop some pain pills, and sleep/rest until the migraine was gone. No guilt. The pain is incapacitating… You can think, you’re nauseated, you can’t even open your eyes.

But a mom is always a mom. Sick or sailing through. You can’t call into work and say you won’t be coming. 

So when my MIL told me to go lay down and she would take the three kids until I felt like I could handle the day… I cried. To be able to recover in a dark quiet room was like handing me $5,000 and expecting nothing in return. Except better. Money couldn’t buy the relief and love I felt. I was able to stay in bed until 1:30 pm! My headache was still there but no longer blinding.

To all those out there who have to deal with chronic pain. My hat’s off to you. I don’t know how you live every day as a functioning, motivated human being. I pray you get some relief.

Depression and Anxiety: Sometimes you just can’t see it

My husband has been asking me for the past couple weeks what is wrong. “Are you mad at me?” No I’m not mad at him… Although some things that he does make me infuriated. Namely–waking me up 10 million times a night. My husband has insomnia, and although I know he suffers, it makes me suffer as well. I have 3 kids including a five-month-old daughter who wakes up 3 to 4 times a night to eat. Nursing her isn’t bad but between the two of them I haven’t been getting any sleep. When I don’t get sleep I get depressed and anxious. I didn’t think anything was wrong until this morning when my husband let me sleep in I felt a bit better and it made me realize that an old demon was visiting me.

I’m a glass half full kind of gal and I’m quite silly, but lately I have been feeling worthless, inadequate, disorganized, lazy, angry, and unattractive. *Cue my tears as I write this…admitting it is sometimes half the battle*

It all adds up to anxiety and depression and it stems from stress and lack of sleep. Lack of sleep being the number one culprit. I really wish that I was one of those people that didn’t need any sleep and yet can keep on trucking. I feel like a toddler who throws tantrums when they haven’t had their afternoon nap. Granted I can’t actually remember the last time I had an afternoon nap.

I feel like moments with my husband and children are slipping past me. I reach out to try and grab them and they just dissipate like smoke between my fingers. I want to have sex, I want to interact, I want to play, I want to teach, I want to love. But when I feel this way it’s like I’m floating above my body watching her go through the motions. I urge it to put forth more effort but she can’t hear me.

People call me and I look at my phone with disgust. They want to get together and I try my hardest to act excited. I AM excited… but this smog surrounding me, filling my brain makes me unable to feel.

Lucky for me I’ve been here before. I know I can get out of the smog. For me the answer is sleep, expressing the truth out loud, and looking to the Lord to remind me of my worth. Having other people and my husband tell me that I am not inadequate sometimes just isn’t enough. For me I have to dive into the word and remind myself that I am a daughter of the Almighty Lord. And He IS a good Father.

I realize in all of this chaos I have forgotten to look for him, I have put off talking to Him. I have watched Bachelor in paradise instead of drinking in His word. Ha! Why!?! It’s SOOOOO stupid and I think that’s why… We love to numb ourselves don’t we? Like a mind-tranquilizing breeze to blow away the chaos. The problem is, watching shows and other distractions only last so long.

I need a true peace, a joy that lasts and endures through times of unhappiness and relentless self-hate. For me it lies in the Lord. It’s gonna take time and my life still goes on but somewhere in my muddled, foggy mind, there is a little girl with a little candle and she’s smiling because she’s knows where to find a match.

Timber

Had to share this story with you guys from when I went to Walmart today: When you have two FULL Walmart carts, a sleeping baby in your arms (made the mistake of taking off my carrier earlier), the two boys are acting like rabid monkeys, your two year old has peed his pants, your hubby had to make a pit stop and so you are left in the middle of the aisle unable to go anywhere for lack of arms and thus getting 10 pity looks a min…and for the grand finale, the two boys grab the side of one cart together and lean back hard, making it topple ON TOP of them.

Cue their screaming and 3 managers appear out of nowhere to help. I couldn’t get the cart off of them because it was so heavy and I had Ruby in one arm. 

My oldest son got a HUGE knot on the back of his head but no concussions and no other injuries as far as I can tell at the moment.

Didn’t know if I should be angry at the boys for disobeying me or terribly embarrassed because of the complete chaos that was my life at the moment. Decided to be neither and just hold all three of my screaming children (Ruby had been woken up of course) and close my eyes while I comforted them. “This too shall pass, it is just a moment.” I said in my head over and over.

Now I’m home and ready to eat my adrenaline away with some of my FIL’s homemade zucchini bread. *rocks back and forth on floor hugging myself* 😫😝😮😖😱😠😆

Mulligan Pt 2

So I dropped the boys off and planned to rush home to sleep while the baby sleeps. Ha! She had already fallen asleep in the car. So I pull over in a nearby neighborhood, thinking I could rest my eyes too.

Just as I’m pulling over I see a young man (late teens early 20’s) carrying a heavy sack of groceries in one hand and a pizza box with a cake precariously stacked on top of it in the other. “Just park and close your eyes” my mind said. “Hello! Offer him a ride and change his day!” Says my spirit. I still had nothing left to give.

But he didn’t know that.

I was on the verge of tears because of pain and because I was so close to rest I could almost taste it’s sweetness. Another road block? No.

This in itself was a form of rest. Remember selflessness and kindness? It looks like giving, but really it is gain in disguise. After I dropped Tristin (the young man) off at his run-down apartment, he thanked me for the 5th time and scurried up to his apparently un-air conditioned home. The door was being held open with a large box fan.

I don’t say all this to show how awesome I am. I certainly didn’t feel awesome. I say it to encourage. If there is a situation where you find yourself saying “not today, just don’t have time” or “not now I just can’t!” Maybe just go a little bit further. Do one more thing.— you can do so little and yet do so much at once!

Or you can call a mulligan. I’d totally understand 😝

Mulligan 

I woke with a massive headache this morning. I get them sometimes when my neck is out for a while. So I made an appointment with the chiropractor, took some CALM (magnesium), and when I got home I took some apple cider winger with baking soda (and water) to balance my ph just in case that’s what it was and not the neck issue. I’ve had a lot of headaches since I’ve had babe #3 and I can now pop my neck on command just by jutting my chin up and sideways to the left. Not good. So I was already on my last leg, so to speak. I was already 4-wheeling up a rocky hill with only fumes in the tank. And then the headache. So what will carry me? What will help when I become like child myself and need healing and yet I have littles looking up to me still for all their needs?

Well we used to live a day’s drive from our hometown. From family and friends. And when days would come like this, I would just plow through. Possible but not healthy. The kids and hubby would feel the aftermath of the mom-storm. My husband would come home after working 12 to 16 hours to a tornado of a house with the kids climbing all over me and me breaking into tears at the sight of him.image

I’ll tell you something my friends: family (and friends that are like family) are a PROFOUND blessing. This morning I told my mom about my headache and she simply said “drop the boys off here for the next 6 hours.” WHAT!? Relief of any amount when you feel how I felt is like a miracle.

It takes a village people. To be healthy, whole, and happy… I haven’t always realized this. I had the attitude of “I can do it all, all the time.” Until I couldn’t. It takes other people’s kindness and selflessness to make it. If you don’t have family like this… Go out and be selfless and kind. You WILL find someone who will reciprocate and be there for you in the thick of it. Someone who you can call and say “I have a horrible cold, the baby is teething, I have seven loads of laundry to do, and my toddler just smeared poop all over the bathroom wall,” and they rush right over to dive in and help you. And then they tell you it’s ok to call mulligan.

Yup I call mulligan today.

Wub My Wips

Reality ✅ We live with my husband’s parents. I’m 33 years young, have 3 kids, and live with my in-laws. We live in one bedroom upstairs with two twin mattresses on the floor and a toddler bed on one side. Outside of the one bedroom doors, I sleep in a daybed (yup I’m high-Rollin’ it, sleeping off the ground) with the baby’s sidecar bassinet sleeper next to my bed. We actually have our own bathroom upstairs too. Winning!

Reality ✅ My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bed. Sex usually happens on the stairs or in the bathroom. We will sleep in the same bed again some day. We do co-sleep with our kids. We love it. We are packed in like sardines up here, but even if we had our own house, it would probably be the same. image

Reality ✅ I get to stay home with the kids while my husband works 2 weeks straight driving a HAZMAT truck all around WY, ND, SD, MT and Canada. Being a SAHM (a ‘stay at home mom’ for those of you who actually have lives outside of children) is THE hardest job I’ve ever had. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually… Hard hard hard hard. My hubby won’t trade jobs with me. But (cliché alert) I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Reality ✅ My middle child is 2 years old and a little fire cracker. Sweet as honey, wild as a monkey with rabies, but at that very cute stage of saying words all wrong and it’s so adorable. I was putting him to bed in his ‘big boy’ bed tonight and he says: “mommy, wub my wegs.” So I rub his legs. “Mommy, wub my alms.” So I rub his arms. “Mommy, wub my behwee.” So I rub his belly. 2 hands, 10 fingers, 2 feet, 10 toes, 1 back, 1 neck, and 2 ears later… “Mommy, wub my wips.” “Your lips!?” “Pwease mommy my wips huht.” “Ok close your eyes though and go to sleep.” “Otay mommy, wuv you mommy, mommy you wuv sweep?” “Yes I love sleep sweetie… Now close your eyes.” I ‘rubbed’ his lips for 20 seconds and he was out. Who gets growing pains in their lips!? I think I’ve been had. Ha! And I love it. It was my last ounce of effort and I could almost taste that hour of mommy alone time freedom to come, but oh how I loved his ‘so serious’ yet nonsensical requests for attention and love.

Reality ✅ I’m BEYOND tired and now my husband is begging me to rub his legs. (Like father like son) He’s had a lot of anxiety issues lately. This is mom. This is wife. I could get frustrated…many times I most certainly do. I am so needed right now. It’s maddening and overwhelming sometimes. But I am so needed…. And it won’t always be this way. He just better not ask me to rub his lips. *sigh*